Public Transportation

Has anyone else noticed how trying to be “green” sure feels like legitimately being poor?

I guess I can’t honestly complain, since the main reason I take part in public transportation isn’t to save the earth from global warming, ManBearPig, or whatever other looming apocalypses human day-to-day functions are causing, but because I am poor. No matter how much I like to pretend otherwise, my refrigerator is empty and my pantry consists of ramen noodles and cat food (because even if I can’t afford food for myself, those little fuckers have to eat).

Part of being green (or poor, whatever.) is this glorious thing known as public transportation. While there are a few different options available, they all pretty much suck.

First, there’s the ever popular bus or metro system. It sounds nice at first: air conditioning, seating, and will get you where you need to be rather quickly. But then the ugly side shows through.

Once you survive waiting for the damned thing in 100 degree heat (or the intense sprint you will be forced to complete if you are running late and therefore have to make a fool of yourself in front of everyone aboard by running like an idiot to catch a ride), consider yourself lucky if you can find an available seat that is not covered in piss or any other liquid. As the train/bus makes its way to your destination, you will no doubt begin to notice the usual victims of public transit:

From left to right:

Crying baby who may or may not have an adult present

Smelly homeless rock star

Head phone guy who apparently doesn’t understand what head phones are for because everyone on board can hear what he’s listening to, and it’s not pleasant

And a bimbo who won’t stop popping bubbles loudly with her gum

Another option is to ride a bike to and from your destination. This is a great choice because you can consider it a form of exercise for the day. Oh, and the wind on your face will feel pretty cool and you’ll finally realize why dogs stick their heads out of car windows.

PS: don’t try sticking your head out of a car window, no matter how good the wind feels. Cars go fast and it will hurt. Badly. You are not as badass as your dog.

However, in abiding by bicyclist rules of the road, you will be given a very small lane all to yourself. This sounds nice, but there are some drivers who just don’t think the standard sized car lane is wide enough, and will insist upon taking over part of your puny little bike lane as well.

Trucker Guy: “Nah, man. I think I need a bigger truck. This thing isn’t using up enough gas.”

If you don’t have a bike, and aren’t interested in obtaining one (even though they have some pretty cute/cheap ones at WalMart, which is where I got my cruiser for like $80), you always have the option of walking.

Walking may sound boring when it does not involve a mall, but trust me on this one: it’s pretty legit. Of course, you have to consider the distance to your destination, so walking may not be a good option for everyone. You will also want to find yourself an iPod or something similar because not only will you want to entertain yourself along the way, you’ll want to drown out this:

The sound of every Mexican (or any other ethnicity for that matter) man in a work truck honking and hollering at you, even if you look like crap and are not dressed in any way that would give them the idea that you would like to be hollered at. Now, I’m not from around here, so I don’t really know: are these guys just genuinely nice? Or are they actually trying to pick up chicks like this?