Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Procrastination at Its Finest

So... the giveaway has come to an end! I put all contestant names into a random line picker (email me if you would like more information on that) and the winner has been notified via the email provided to me (CONGRATS, April!!!). 
ALSO: if any other bloggers out there would like to host a giveaway with csn stores, email me and I can get you set up with some info :)

Thank you to all who participated! Your pictures have been posted for all to see on the facebook page! (Mostly so that I can show them off because I love them all so much!!!) And special thanks and apologies to Pooks for submitting a picture, even though my gmail account wrongfully considered her email a piece of spam and hid it from me so that I didn’t see it until this morning :( I love you mucho and will make this up to you by going to Cupz and having a coffee date with you in the near future.

To those who didn't participate: shame on you. JUST KIDDING! I understand that you all lead busy non-doodling lives (and some of you were outside of the shipping area) and I thank you for reading anyway! I also hope that you will consider participating next time - as I'm sure I will do something like this again because I really liked getting those pictures!

Now, for my new post! I am so stoked that this is my last semester of actual college classes for a while, but it is sure taking its toll on me. Essay after essay after stupid pointless essay that doesn't prove that I learned anything from my classes, only that I'm good at googling some things and bullshitting the rest... they have all added up to this post:

Drum roll please…

How to Write a College Paper:

I have had my share of undergraduate classes, and if there is anything that I have learned in my time working toward my degree, it's how to write a college paper. I'm going to share my wisdom with you now for a minimal fee. That fee is a nonrefundable moment of your time.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume that you all know that - no matter how much time you are given to write the paper - you must always begin writing it no earlier than the day/night before it is due. (I am not sure what happens if you attempt to write the paper earlier, but it must be horrible because no one ever does it.)

1. Facebook.
As soon as you get to your computer, you must first log in to your Facebook account and check to see of you have any new notifications. You may also stalk people via the News Feed, but it is not always necessary because we all know that the News Feed page is usually littered with useless information about people we barely know in the first place and their constant bragging about their mediocre lives in an effort to make them seem less mediocre (but, hey, it's more convenient than reading a newspaper, and I never have to watch sports because the highlights and scores are always posted by at least 30 people).

2. Open Microsoft Word.
Once you are comfortable with your Facebook check, minimize the page and open a new Word document. Put your name, class, and date in the header and, if you're feeling frisky, add a title. Save it, just in case your computer crashes or a bear climbs though your window, steals your laptop from you, exits out of Word, and gives your laptop back while laughing/growling with excitement over his little prank.

3. Check Email.
Minimize the document and open your email account in a new window so that you're not tempted to check Facebook, but you can still access your browser. Delete all spam, but not before laughing at all of the "hey baby", "free viagra samples", and "male enhancement" subject lines you see. Read all of those inspirational forwarded emails from Mom that you never really have time to read but decide to save for later. Become inspired. Email Mom, thanking her for the email and letting her know what you have been up to lately.

4. Open Word Document.
Realize that you have just wasted half an hour (or more, if you're a champ!) of paper writing time and promptly sign out of email. Write two-three paragraphs.

5. Be Filled with a False Sense of Accomplishment.

6. Facebook.
Notice the Facebook tab telling you about a new notification and check it out. See that it was just someone you don't know commenting on your friend's status, which you "liked" earlier, even though you knew you'd get these notifications later. Sigh and exit Facebook.

7. Snack Time.
You've been working hard, and your stomach knows it. Vicious roars are erupting from your belly and it won't stop until a sandwich has been made and eaten.
OPTIONAL: watch some TV while you eat because you can't type and eat at the same time, anyway.

8. Notice the Time and Begin Panicking!

9. Power Through.
Quickly BS your way through the rest of the required number of pages, being sure to restate the same point in varying ways, add unnecessary words or phrases to take up space, and change the font size of your periods to 14pt - if you're using 12pt for the rest of your paper - because it will go unnoticed and add nearly an entire page to your paper, depending on the current length.

10. Facebook.
Post a status about how you just made that paper your bitch.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Drippy, Drippy, Drippy

REMEMBER: the deadline to enter the giveaway is Monday night, and I have VERY few entries so far. You would have a pretty good chance of winning if you were to draw me a picture for entrance into this giveaway. I am not judging these pictures; they are merely your ticket into a randomized drawing. Good luck!

Now, for this week’s post.

I have been ridiculously busy lately and have had minimal time to doodle (sad, I know). However, this onslaught of “To-Do Lists” has somehow turned me into a deranged lunatic, because I spend so much time in my head that all of my thinking-space is being filled with ludicrous and senseless thoughts, leaving no room for the analytical processes I need in order to complete the things on my lists. For example, I have a 6-page paper due tomorrow, but when I opened my laptop this morning to work on it, I began to doodle instead. Foolishness.

Anyway, here is one of the thoughts that popped into my head the other day in the shower as I was singing children’s camp songs.

Children’s songs are pretty effed up. Like, I heard somewhere that “Ring Around the Rosie” was really about the Plague. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it’s still weird to think that children would sing such a dark song so innocently.

The song I was singing in the shower the other day seemed innocent at first, but as I got further and further into the song I realized it was pretty effed up that we would encourage children to sing this song. It goes like this:

Oh, I wish I was a little bar of soap (bar of soap).
Oh, I wish I was a little bar of soap (bar of soap).
I’d go slippy, slippy, slidey over everybody’s hiney.
Oh, I wish I was a little bar of soap (bar of soap). 

Ok, I know that everyone uses soap (or, at least, I hope they do), but isn’t this a little risqué? Slipping and sliding over EVERYONE’s naked hiney?


Well, it gets better. Here’s the next verse:

Oh, I wish I was a little mosquito (mosquito).
Oh, I wish I was a little mosquito (mosquito).
I’d go bitey, bitey, bitey, under everybody’s nighty.
Oh, I wish I was a little mosquito (mosquito).

So, not only is this person wanting to make sure that everyone is clean, now his main wish is to BITE everyone underneath their clothes?! That’s just rude. And slightly molest-y.

Still not with me on this? Here’s the last verse.

Oh, I wish I was a little tea cup (tea cup).
Oh, I wish I was a little tea cup (tea cup).
I’d go drippy, drippy, drippy, over everybody’s lippy.
Oh, I wish I was a little tea cup (tea cup).

This one takes the cake. I don’t even want to know what this person would like to drip all over our lips, but it sounds like “tea” is just a cover-up for his true intentions.

You wouldn’t let little Billy watch the DVD of this song; don’t let him sing it!

*paid for by the Campaign for Non-Molest-y Children’s Songs.

Monday, October 11, 2010



I have good news for all of my lovely followers (in US and Canada)!!!

I would ask you to guess what it is, but I think it’s pretty obvious from the title.

CSN Stores has offered to provide a giveaway to my readers, and (since I love you guys so much) I have agreed host this giveaway! You’re welcome. If you don’t know already, CSN Stores has over 200 websites to choose from, and they sell everything from barstools to beds to bathtubs to just about anything you could wish to buy while sitting lazily on your couch eating Cheetos and watching reruns of the Simpsons… oh, wait. That’s what I’m doing.


What does this mean for me?
Answer: I get to make-a-da-rules.

What does this mean for you?
Better answer: You get to win-a-da-prize!

The prize:

A $45 one-time-use gift certificate, good to use on whatever tickles your fancy at any of the CSN Stores websites (there's over 200, so don't tell me you can't find something).
Since they can only ship to US/Canada, only the followers in those areas can win. Sorry, international friends! BUT, if you still want to participate in Rule #3 (explained below), I would receive it with open arms and a gigantic smile, and I would definitely draw a picture for you in return, if you’d like.

The rules:

Rule #1: don’t talk about the giveaway.
*This isn’t really a rule, but every time I think of lists of rules I think of Fight Club*

Rule #2 (actual rule): you have to be a follower. 
You have 2 options:
1. “follow” my blog w/Google friend connect 
(on the right side of the page click the "follow" button)
*Doing both will not get you multiple entries – lame, I know, but I’m more concerned with the next rule*

Rule #3 (actual rule): Make me a doodle and send it to thisfreckledlemonade@gmail.com! Make sure you send it from the email address where you wish to be contacted if you win, because the winner will be notified via email from CSN Stores.

About the doodle:
I love doodling, and I love sharing my doodles with all of you, so, in return for a chance to win the prize, I want you to doodle for me.

You can use any program you want to use to doodle it on your computer (I use Adobe Illustrator, but you could use Paint or whatever you are comfortable using), OR you can hand draw it and scan it or take a picture of it. Just make sure you send it to thisfreckledlemonade@gmail.com.

Your doodle can be about anything you want! After all, it is your doodle. You could make a self portrait…

… or, maybe, a mass doodle of all of your favorite things…

… or even a random picture like one of a dog peeing on a baby in a park.

I don’t know why you’d choose to draw something like that, but I am not one to judge (obviously).

*multiple doodles will not get you multiple entries, but they will get you brownie points – which, we all know, sound delicious but have no real value*

*I will probably be putting your pictures on here at some point, so if you don’t want other people to see it, let me know and I won’t publish it on here*

To re-cap:
There is a giveaway.
You could be the winner.
All you have to do is:
Follow this blog or like the facebook page
And draw me a picture and send it to me

Now, I’m not looking for quality work here (unless you feel so inclined). (Everyone who enters will receive one entry and the winner be chosen at random.) However, I do realize that it might take you a while to finish your doodles, so the deadline will be two weeks from today, which is Monday, October 25 at midnight.

I will remind you when it gets close, but make haste, my friends! I don’t want you to miss out on this awesome opportunity, and if it were me I’d put off my homework and doodle away… oh wait, that’s what I’m doing right now.

If you have any questions, feel free to comment or email me!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It's The Shit

I am not sure why it's there, or even how it first originated, but it's been there for as long as I can remember. I can even remember it being at my parent's house when I was young, and somehow it has followed me to my own grown-up home, where it will probably stay for the rest of my life, no matter how many times I move to a new place.

Though it is consistent, it is always changing. It comes in many forms, has differing content, but it haunts me all the same.

In my family, we usually refer to it as “The Shit”. A common form of The Shit is its distant cousin, The Shit Drawer, and then of course there is its embarrassing uncle, The Pile.

I mean, at least The Shit Drawer has enough courtesy to keep The Shit inside, hidden from guests; The Pile has no decency at all as it shows off its existence to anyone within viewing range, no doubt making them think awful things about me and my organizational skills.

The Pile is easy to get rid of at first - hang up clean clothes, wash the dirty ones - but make no mistake! The Pile will return, and it might even bring reinforcements. You may have won the battle, but you have not won the war. You will never win the war.

In fact, here is a chart which I have created to represent your chances of winning the war against The Pile:

A rich person has a slight chance of winning because they can hire maids to fight their battles for them. The rest of us, however, probably have a negative chance of winning; no matter how hard we fight it, we just get deeper and deeper into a war which cannot be won.

In my opinion, The Shit Drawer holds the most random contents of all the forms of The Shit. Piles take on the contents of their surroundings. For example, The Pile on the foot of my bed is full of clothes because it's near the closet, and The Pile on my desk is filled with papers because I suck at organizing bills and such. The Shit Drawer may be in the kitchen, but you wouldn't know it by merely observing the items inside.

Here are some highlights from mine:

Colorful pipe cleaners

Mace (in case I'm being attacked in the kitchen? I think at that point I'd probably just go for the butcher knife or a heavy pan...)

A fortune cookie

A butterfly knife (I’m not sure what this is for either; the only time I have ever seen it used is when Breezy is seemingly attempting to chop off his fingers in a karate-like fashion)

Now, for your homework assignment:

What's in your Shit Drawer?

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