Friday, June 25, 2010

It's been a while...

I apologize for my lack of posts lately. I have either been:

A. Captured by a ferocious pack of wolves and have been learning to live as one with the pack
B. In a far away field trying to avoid the AZ heat while singing "Little Bunny Foo Foo"
C. Drowning in an unrefreshing pool of homework
D. Giving up on it all, packing my bags, and heading (further) west

If you guessed C: YOU'RE RIGHT!!!

If you guessed any of the other answers, I am ashamed.

Anyway, here's a random update. This has been me for the past few weeks:

Drowning in British literature and "short stories" that are deceivingly long. Good thing I have respect for literature, or I'd be ripping the books apart, starting a bon fire, and making some effing s'mores with Reese's cups. (much yummier than Hershey's chocolate bars!)

Also, I've been thinking about drawing arms a little better... maybe I'll try it out for my next doodle.

While taking a break from homework the other night, I filled out this random Q & A for you guys. Hopefully you will feel like you know me a little better after checking this out, but I'm kind of doubting it.

Do you have any pets?2 cats: Cozmo and Dane
What color shirt are you wearing?white. it has black and red on it, too, if you're wondering.
Name three things that are physically close to you:a stack of 4 textbooks, my caboodle full of nail polish, and an empty water bottle. It has been an exciting evening, let me tell you.
What is the last book you read?unfortunately I have only been able to read textbooks. Before these classes started, however, I was attempting to read Water For Elephants.
Are you or were you a good student?I am and I was... except for when I feel like my time is being wasted and I'm not learning anything. Then I tend to slack off and find better things to do, like paint my nails.
What's your favorite sport?Call of Duty
Do you enjoy sleeping late?No. I'd rather wake up early, I just have this problem with opening my eyes.
What's the weather like right now?Hot. Way. Too. Hot.
Who tells the best jokes?My Daddy and Breezy are battling for first place.
What was the last thing you dreamed about?I don't know, something about a boat.
Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?I have been crashed into a few times. I guess that counts.
Do you believe in karma?When I feel like it's on my side. "Yeah, that ass hole got what was coming for him." But never when it's against me. "Oh, that's just a coincidence."
Do you believe in luck?Luck is for the weak. I got skills.
Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?Sunny side up with hot sauce. mmmm. and toast. I wish my fridge didn't break and I didn't have to throw away those eggs.
Do you collect anything? If so, what?endangered animals
Are you proud of yourself?Is it bad to say yes? Yes, I am. And I'm proud of myself for admitting it.
Are you reliable?Mostly.
Have you ever given money to a bum?I believe I have. Not around here, though. These bums are inconsiderate. Plus, the bums where I come from have to live under the freeway and make fires in garbage cans during ice storms. These bums don't know what an ice storm is.
What's your favorite food?Ice Cream.
Have you ever had a secret admirer?hahahaha. Oh, have I got stories to tell you.
Do you like the smell of gasoline?I do. It reminds me of working on cars with my Daddy.
Do like to draw?I DO!!!!! But you knew that already. I'm not that good, but I like to pretend.
What's your favorite invention?internets
Is your room messy?yes. I'm only semi-embarrassed.
What do you like better: oranges or apples?apples. but I like orange juice better than apple juice. I know it makes no sense.
Do you give in easily?I don't understand the nature behind this question... do I give in to what? Peer pressure: yes. Temptation: yes. Nigerian Princess scams: no.
Are you a good guesser?yeah. I guessed that it would be hot out today and it was. It really, really was.
Can you read other people's expressions?no, only my own.
Are you a bully?if you don't feed me I can become a bully.
Do you have a job?hahahah.... wouldn't you like to know.
What time did you wake up this morning?uh...11am.
What did you eat for breakfast this morning?well, by the time I got up it was lunch.
When was the last time you showered?last night
What do you plan on doing tomorrow?relaxing with my husband. doodling, if you're lucky, and possibly some more karaoke.
What's your favorite day of the week and why?any day that Breezy doesn't have to work because I get to spend time with him.
Do you have any nicknames?tons! Lace, Lacey Ree, LC, Lace-Face McGee, HawkEye, Miss Marie (my parents call me that one), the list goes on.
Have you ever been scuba diving?nope.
What's your least favorite color?Hey, come on now. I'm not racist.
Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? If yes, who?Logan on Veronica Mars. When will he get his shit together? And I melt every time he smiles.
Would you ever go skydiving?probably not. I'm just a big puss.
What toothpaste do you use?Whatever is cheap and doesn't look like it will taste like dirty ass hole.
Do you enjoy challenges?depends on what kind of challenge. real world/road rules challenge: yes. Fear factor eating cow balls challenge: no.
What's the worst injury you have had?uhh.... a sprained ankle? haha I told you I'm a big puss.
What's the last movie you saw?I think it was How to Train Your Dragon and it was amazing.
What do you want to know about the future?nothing right now. ask me later.
What does your last text message say?it says I'm not going to get up and check my last text message just for this stupid q&a.
Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to?Breezy.
What's your favorite school subject?English rules!!! XD
What's your least favorite school subject?gym. god, I'm lazy. (and smart, so I never really had a problem with the other classes)
Would you rather have money or love?let's try money for a while. Just kidding, Breezy!
What is your dream vacation?tanning on a quiet beach, marg in hand
What is your favorite animal?the penguins from Madagascar
Do you miss anyone right now?I miss a lot of people right now.
What's the last sporting event you watched?there was some soccer thing on tv at the bar the other night. haha :)
Do you need to do laundry?I need to finish it. I always start it and forget about it.
Do you listen to the radio?no, I listen to
Where were you when 9/11 happened?in my French class in high school. (yes, people really take French in some states, AZ friends lol)
What do you do when vending machines steal your money?punt a baby
Have you ever caught a butterfly?yeah but then I felt bad because the wing ripped off :( I'll never do that again.
What color are your bed sheets?brown?
What's your ringtone?I don't really have one.
Who was the last person to make you laugh?Breezy
Do you have any obsessions right now?Veronica Mars, Party Down, Quelf (not "Queef"), cheap wine with funny labels, finding fun new blogs to read, increasing my book collection (suck it, Kindle. you got nothin' on Goodwill)
Do you like things that glow in the dark?only at night time. otherwise they're usually kind of ugly
What's your favorite fruity scent?"fruity"? um... strawberries?
Do you watch cartoons?sometimes. If South Park and Family Guy count
Have you ever sat on a roof?heck yeah.
Have you ever been to a different country?yeah!
Name three things in the world you dislike:"the man", hatred, and Phoenix rush hour(s)
Name three people in the world you dislike:the kind of ass holes that aren't still lovable because of their wit, trophy wives, and my loud neighbor
Has a rumor even been spread about you?why, of course! where would we all be without rumors?
Do you like sushi?YES!!! MOAR SUSHI, PLEASE :D
Do you believe in magic?only the kind in Harry Potter, not the kind where you're sitting at a restaurant and some bozo clown walks up and asks you to pick a card. It's like, come on ass hole, I'm trying to have a nice dinner here.
Do you hold grudges?only when I have nothing else to hold. usually I can find something better, though, like a furry kitty cat or a pillow.

Friday, June 18, 2010


I have the best boyfriend ever.

Ooops. I meant to say husband!!! (cue hysterical-pre-teen-girls-at-a-Jonas-Bros-concert-excitement and jumping up and down and a lot of "I know, right?"s, which I only let fly around other females because I can't show Breezy to his face or he'll think my shit's weak.)

I still can't get over the fact that I don't have a boyfriend anymore, but he's been replaced with someone eerily similar whom I am to call my husband. I mean, he looks the same, he sounds the same, he smells the same, and he still won't put his dirty clothes in the hamper, but insists on leaving them in a heap on the floor one foot away from the hamper. We have not yet found that horrifying moment that everyone warns new couples with that sparkle in their eyes about. You know, the one that signifies that our lives are over because we got married (OH NO!). Instead, we have continued living our lives together as we had before and only "growing up" a microscopic amount - and that's only because of how many papers we've had to sign in the past two months or so.

There's something special about squiggling my name across dotted line after dotted line like I learned to do in the first grade that fills me with a sense of accomplishment. Plus, it's pretty cool that after so many jr. high notebooks ruined with me doodling myself and my crush holding hands on every blank page complete with a cursive scrawling of "Mr. and Mrs. [Insert New Crush's Last Name]", I finally get to use my crush's last name legally (and with him knowing about it, which is a definite plus).

I have the best husband ever.

While some husbands might be concerned about their wifey going out to a dive bar filled with horned up wannabe cowboys and newly single white trash women for karaoke night with some friends (which was a bLAST!), my husband had his blanket wrapped around his body toga-style, one of my athletic head bands around his newly shaved head, and was whipping a long string at one of our cats (we're usually too poor to buy real cat toys, and when we do my cats just hide them from us so we'll stop making the cat/dog play fetch... or if it is a toy bird that sings when squeezed, they'll wait till we leave the house and murderously drown the damned thing in their water dish so that its beautiful song can never be heard again).

Pictured above: Breezethocles The Awesome (self-proclaimed) taming a vicious lion

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Survey Says...

In a recent poll, I asked which super power you would choose if given the rare but not entirely impossible chance to have one. Here were the results at the original poll end date:

Invisibility: 6 (win)

Time Travel: 3

Flight: 3

Super Strength: 0 (super fail)

Immortality: 1

Precognition: 0 (fail)

Telepathy: 2

Own a Power Ring: 1

Technopathy: 0 (fail)

Accelerated Healing: 1

Water Breathing: 1

Teleportation: 0 (fail)

$$$: 0 (fail)

Superman/Jackass: 1

Some of these results were shocking! (said aloud in my most scientific voice)

And I’m not sure if I need to be trained and certified or anything to label something a “fail” on the internet, but I did it anyway so any trolls out there can suck it. (said aloud in my nanner-nanner-boo-boo voice, and immediately followed by a sticking-out of my tongue)

Anyway… (and no, there is not an “s” on the end of that word – or a “z”. It’s “anyway”, not “anyways/anywayz” … so stop saying it that way) Anyway… some of these results were shocking and I’m not certain that all of the voters were fully informed on the details. (It’s happened in more important polls) So I decided to compile some information on the topic at hand.

There is a good and bad to everything, and super hero powers are included in that statement.

Here are some pros and cons for you to consider, along with answers to the question I know you’re asking: “What Would Breezy Do?”



Get through airport security, no matter what your race, without being fondled and embarrassed

Scare the fuck out of Criss Angel

Sexy Spying


Have to walk around naked (extra creepy when sexy spying)

People might run into you (with body or objects such as vehicles)


WWBD? Kill Criss Angel

Time Travel:


Learn about history first hand/See the future

Ride a dinosaur

Prevent yourself from making stupid mistakes


In the future humans are all cannibalistic wild beasts and the world is run by droids

If you showed up in ancient times wearing that they’d burn you at the stake!


WWBD? “Go back in time to get the last word in every argument I have ever been in… ever.”



Never have to worry about dying


In the future humans are all cannibalistic wild beasts and the world is run by droids

WWBD? “Gain the droids’ trust then work for them as a human hunter.”

Accelerated Healing:


You would be a great organ/blood donor

You could be your own stunt man/woman


People would find out about you and want to do crazy life threatening experiments!

WWBD? “Bar tricks”

Water Breathing:


Be awesome at “Who Can Hold Their Breath the Longest” in the pool

Go searching for lost treasures at the bottoms of lakes and oceans


Only works in water. (I know, right?!)

WWBD? “Go fishing the real way.”



Never have to be fondled and embarrassed by airport security again

Easier to lead two separate lives

Cheaper vacations


One false teleport and you could leave a limb behind!

WWBD? “Get really fat, because I would never move again.”

Have Enough Money to Make Awesome Things (you know, like Bruce Wayne):


You could make some awesome things


You would have to keep your identity hidden or you might lose your source of power

WWBD? “Spend most of the money on blow and hookers.”

Superman's Powers (but everyone will hate you because that's not really fair):

A: did someone seriously still pick this one, even with the disclaimer?

B: wtf is kryptonite, anyway?

WWBD? “Kill myself. No one deserves that amount of power.”



You could wear a sweet cape

Get places faster

Use the “Aladdin” technique on chicks and show them a whole new world

Never have to drive in rush hour traffic again


Low flying aircrafts

No headlights for night time OR air conditioning for summer

You have to flap your arms to go, so it’d get pretty exhausting

WWBD? Nothing. He told me this choice was “dumb.” (because it’s the one I picked)


No one voted for this one, and I agree because you would see some pretty effed up shit! (Hi Mom. I’m trying not to say the “F” word so much like you told me I should!)

WWBD? “I would also get the first word in every argument.”



Make a lot of money as a “psychic”

Make a lot of money as the CIA’s secret weapon


Hear when people are making fun of you in their minds

Hear when people are thinking about getting in your pants

WWBD? “Scream wildly every time I caught somebody in a lie.”

Own a Power Ring:


Own "the most powerful weapon in the universe” which, as described in the most thorough Wikipedia page I have ever seen, will basically do anything you want it to do (even create duplicates of itself in case, you know, one isn’t enough).


Live in fear of the color yellow

WWBD? “Create unbelievably impractical objects to use in my battle against evil.”


WHY did NO ONE pick this one? You could communicate with and manipulate any piece of technology with your computer brain!!

WWBD? “Go to the internet and get all the porn… for free.”


Super Strength:

This is perhaps the easiest to explain because the pros and the cons fit in the same doodle.


You could lift heavy shit


You would turn into a hideous beast/man

WWBD? Throw an Elephant at Criss Angel

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Gamer Geeks and Their Lack of Social Skills Should Not Work at Toys R Us

Since my precious Xbox 360 has fallen victim to what could only be diagnosed as glaucoma for gaming systems (as in, even though I put in a video game, the Xbox fails to see that there is a disc at all and tells me that I’m not competent enough to insert the damned thing), I have not been able to play video games in months. I guess to non-gamers this might not sound very serious, and they might be wondering why a grown woman is even still playing video games in the first place, but that does not change the fact that living without an Xbox is a woeful existence
- especially since I was so close to beating the game that I was playing.

Naturally, I went through the five stages of grief:

I kept trying the disc repeatedly, hoping that the Xbox would believe me that there was a disc in there and finally run the game, all the while moving further into panic mode.

At this point I realized that my attempts at tricking the Xbox were futile, because I was never going to be able to play again. Of course it couldn't have been my fault, and it wouldn’t just happen randomly, so I had to put the blame onto someone else.

I would have done anything to be able to play my game again, even if that meant selling my soul to the devil. However, Satan reminded me that he already had my soul, due to an agreement we made in the sixth grade in exchange for bigger boobs.

I was at my lowest moment. I could not even see life beyond losing my Xbox. I became subhuman, living off of ice cream and bathing only in my own tears.

I saw a light at the end of the tunnel: PS3 prices were down and Breezy had been wanting to get one for a while. Plus, they have the same game that I was in the middle of playing on my Xbox. I figured I could get it and beat the game after all!

I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need a PS3, and that video games were for losers anyway, but then I found out that at that time PS3s were nearly impossible to get. So, since it was unattainable, I had to have it. (Perhaps GM should take a hint from Sony and Nintendo? Think about it. They could produce less cars at a higher value and charge more money and since there would be less of a chance of getting one their popularity would go up and maybe the auto industry could have a Mighty Ducks-esque win in this economy. Or maybe I’m just an optimist and it would only work in my dreamland of rainbows and fairies and Popes who don’t condone child molestation.)

Breezy and I spent some time researching and discovered that there was a PS3 at a Toys R Us only a few miles from our apartment, so we left right away.

Once the PS3 was secured, we made our way over to the games and each picked one to buy. The sales associate started to babble on about video games, obviously having nothing better to do, as there were no other customers in the store.

As he scanned my beloved game he said, “Actually, I hear this game isn’t that good.”

My jaw dropped.

I had devoted many hours to playing this game, had mourned my loss of the game for months, and was finally within hours of playing it again, and this 35-year-old fat ass nobody with Eminem bleached hair and a scraggly beard who probably still lives with his mom because he’s working in the gaming department of a Toys R Us wants to tell me that “this game isn’t that good?”

He went on to talk about what games are out there that are good: “There is this one turn-based… blah blah… teabagging N00bs… pwnage… uber fail… ftw… I’m a loser who gives cool gamers a bad name.”

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Real-Life Scary Movie

Do you ever have those days when you start out trying to do something fun and spontaneous, yet so innocent that it never crosses your mind that you would be in any danger… and then end up nearly being the victim in a real-life scary movie? Well, this was one of those days.
My lovely sister was in town visiting me and we were going though this book of coupons (which I got from one of those extra-hyper-because-he/she-drank-too-much-Starbucks people passing out coupons by the fountain on campus) for some ideas of what to do for the evening, when I discovered a grand opportunity. You see, my sister is older than me and therefore has more experience and is way cooler than me in almost every way, so I usually expect to seek her advice on cool things to do. What I found out was that my sister had never been to a hookah lounge before and – though I can’t say I frequent hookah lounges or am a VIP or anything – I had. I was so excited that there was something out there that is kind of cool to which I could introduce her, I decided that Sis, Breezy, and I would use the coupon and go to a hookah lounge.
So this is where the scary movie begins.
You know how when you watch a scary movie and there are parts like when the girl is in the shower and she hears a noise but she doesn’t get out of the shower and see where the noise came from and you’re yelling (mouth full of popcorn) at the movie screen telling her to get out, grab a towel, and RUN? Well, I have discovered that being the victim means that you can’t see the signs that the audience gets to see (like the girl’s kitchen window being open a crack and the bad guy slipping in and accidentally knocking over her empty bottle of cheap wine), so you don’t know that you’re a victim until you’re running away from the guy who’s trying to kill you and you die naked because you didn’t have time to grab a towel.
I digress.
So, in retrospect, there were some signs that this was a bad idea, we just didn’t see them. Like the fact that the coupon was SUPER cheap, which we took to mean “awesome”, but really meant “dangerous”. Or that when we pulled up to the place there was a huge empty parking lot and a guy who had to have been the manager (because he was wearing ¾ of a tuxedo) had his face glued to the window and was waving us in… yes, waving us in and we hadn’t even parked yet.

Or the fact that it wasn’t even a hookah lounge, but some trying-to-be-fancy restaurant. It even looked sketchy from the car. We thought about not going in, but the poor guy was literally begging for our patronage.
We walked up to the building and the manager greeted us. Then he called for some coked-out looking blonde girl with dark circles under her eyes to take us to our table. We had to walk through the restaurant area to get to the patio and I have to say that I felt like I was in the dining room on the fucking Titanic right before it sank – you know, when it’s empty but all of the tables are set and then the ship tilts and all the plates go shattering across the room. This place had creepy carpeting, old fashioned chairs, and each table was already set, complete with cloth napkins folded like tents. A cold shiver went down my spine.
The restaurant was empty, just like the one on the fucking Titanic.
We sat at our creaky metal table in our creaky metal chairs in the make-shift patio, which was a dramatic contrast to the fancy 100 year old dining room from which we came. We looked around, took in the dark and empty parking lot around us, the creepy-as-hell atmosphere, and gave each other nervous glances. We started to discuss leaving when -

– from out of nowhere, and I mean nowhere because it was a vast and empty parking lot, some guy who looked like he could have been the Tales From the Crypt guy’s brother popped up and asked us if we wanted hookah. We did, but we weren’t sure if we wanted hookah there. The flavors weren’t even on the menu. When Sis asked him what the flavors were, he pointed to his forehead and said "Zey are all up here.” She had to ask him to share, because apparently he thought we could read his mind.
We ordered the only flavor that we could understand from his thick accent just to get him to go away, and I was beginning to think that the hookah part wasn’t real and what was really in his mind was this:

I expressed my concerns for not wanting to be eaten by a handful of lost-in-time vampires or cannibals or whatever the hell those “people” were, and we realized that we all had the same concern. We immediately ran from our table – opting to just hop the gate and take the five steps to our car, rather than risk going back through the creepy restaurant – screaming and telling Breezy to start up the car and get the hell out of there.

We escaped, but barely. As we were backing away we saw the shadowy figures of the beasts in the windows and screamed again as Breezy put the car in drive and stepped on the gas.

It was an uneasy ride across the vast parking lot, since Breezy decided to express his concern that the sneaky guy who had come from out of nowhere moments before might also have the power to show up in our car.

No worries! We were not eaten. We eventually found a place (which was legitimately a hookah lounge) with big comfy couches and a plethora of eclectic decorations for us to gaze upon. We lounged around and watched music videos and my sister finally got to try some hookah. It turned out to be an amazing night… even though some skanky girl came in wearing a dress (probably meant to be a shirt) so short that when she bent over her asshole winked at us from across the room – but that’s an entirely different adventure!
Related Posts with Thumbnails