Sunday, June 6, 2010

Gamer Geeks and Their Lack of Social Skills Should Not Work at Toys R Us

Since my precious Xbox 360 has fallen victim to what could only be diagnosed as glaucoma for gaming systems (as in, even though I put in a video game, the Xbox fails to see that there is a disc at all and tells me that I’m not competent enough to insert the damned thing), I have not been able to play video games in months. I guess to non-gamers this might not sound very serious, and they might be wondering why a grown woman is even still playing video games in the first place, but that does not change the fact that living without an Xbox is a woeful existence
- especially since I was so close to beating the game that I was playing.

Naturally, I went through the five stages of grief:

I kept trying the disc repeatedly, hoping that the Xbox would believe me that there was a disc in there and finally run the game, all the while moving further into panic mode.

At this point I realized that my attempts at tricking the Xbox were futile, because I was never going to be able to play again. Of course it couldn't have been my fault, and it wouldn’t just happen randomly, so I had to put the blame onto someone else.

I would have done anything to be able to play my game again, even if that meant selling my soul to the devil. However, Satan reminded me that he already had my soul, due to an agreement we made in the sixth grade in exchange for bigger boobs.

I was at my lowest moment. I could not even see life beyond losing my Xbox. I became subhuman, living off of ice cream and bathing only in my own tears.

I saw a light at the end of the tunnel: PS3 prices were down and Breezy had been wanting to get one for a while. Plus, they have the same game that I was in the middle of playing on my Xbox. I figured I could get it and beat the game after all!

I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need a PS3, and that video games were for losers anyway, but then I found out that at that time PS3s were nearly impossible to get. So, since it was unattainable, I had to have it. (Perhaps GM should take a hint from Sony and Nintendo? Think about it. They could produce less cars at a higher value and charge more money and since there would be less of a chance of getting one their popularity would go up and maybe the auto industry could have a Mighty Ducks-esque win in this economy. Or maybe I’m just an optimist and it would only work in my dreamland of rainbows and fairies and Popes who don’t condone child molestation.)

Breezy and I spent some time researching and discovered that there was a PS3 at a Toys R Us only a few miles from our apartment, so we left right away.

Once the PS3 was secured, we made our way over to the games and each picked one to buy. The sales associate started to babble on about video games, obviously having nothing better to do, as there were no other customers in the store.

As he scanned my beloved game he said, “Actually, I hear this game isn’t that good.”

My jaw dropped.

I had devoted many hours to playing this game, had mourned my loss of the game for months, and was finally within hours of playing it again, and this 35-year-old fat ass nobody with Eminem bleached hair and a scraggly beard who probably still lives with his mom because he’s working in the gaming department of a Toys R Us wants to tell me that “this game isn’t that good?”

He went on to talk about what games are out there that are good: “There is this one turn-based… blah blah… teabagging N00bs… pwnage… uber fail… ftw… I’m a loser who gives cool gamers a bad name.”


  1. lol I am glad you have finally come clean with Satan for your boobs. I always wondered ;D

  2. the bargaining thing - always works....u could hav tried bargainin wid sum1 else u knw...m sure it would wrk...
    n dat way u wouldnt have to face dat eminem-wannabe character....
    its just d way shop assistant hint about how i'll look hedious in sumthing iv picked....
    i had once retaliated by saying "i'l pay u to keep ur mouth shut, der's anyways a discount on dis top; what say?"
    anyways....awesum as usual...keep writing...:)

  3. i always skip straight to stage 2 and stop there. it's ALWAYS someone else's fault, it's important that you remember this. but i do like the desperation in stage 3.

    your sales associate looks like Guy Fieri.

  4. Oh, I hope to god our Xbox keeps working, because we really, really, really can't afford a PS3 right now and I have a feeling my husband would progress through the same steps you did!

  5. I hope your Xbox stays healthy, too! No one needs to go through what I did.

    thanks for the comments :)

  6. So sorry to hear about your Xbox drama.. But at least it made for a very funny post - and the adoption of a homeless PS3.. :)

  7. PS3 is the bestest console evah!!!
    Actually it's a rockin' blue ray player, has some awesome games, and is great if you have a media server. :)

  8. I just got a XBOX 360 and now the damn remote won't work. Ugh. I have had my PS2 for what feels like a century and it still works like its brand new. Stupid XBOX. I hate it and its stupid, ugly remote.

    Watch my PS2 break tomorrow.

  9. Heh. Loved this! I don't have an x box but damn it was funny!

  10. Loved this! It occurs to me though that I should check in w/ Satan to see if the arrangement regarding my soul and a certain pair of shoes is still in effect...

  11. Oh my lord. I love your blog.

    My Xbox 360 is my BFF and hasn't screwed me over...yet.


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