Sunday, July 18, 2010

He Jests at Scars That Never Felt a Wound

I have a lot of scars.

I have one on my left arm from spying on boys with Apee on a dirt road. I flipped my bike and went skin scraping across the gravel, leg firmly secured in my bike chain.

I have one on my right hand from lighting fireworks and accidently throwing the lighter instead of the burning ball of physical pain, which I held safely in my small hand until it exploded.

I have one on my right arm from getting an alien spawn removed from just under my skin.

I have one on my forehead from tripping on a blanket, falling down a flight of stairs and bouncing like a ball the size of a small child directly into a table.

I have one on the back of my head from being born (yeah, I’m so awesome that I got a scar before I had fully made my entrance into the world).

The list goes on, but I think you get my point: I have a lot of scars.

Since making my initial scar-covered debut into this world, I have noticed that we all have scars. We may only have a few and they may not be as noticeable as a lightning bolt across our foreheads, but they are there.

Why am I writing about this? Because I’m thinking that if I asked you about your scars (which is actually one of my favorite “get to know you” conversations, and I’ll tell you why in a minute), chances are you’d be able to tell me how you got most of them.

I say “most” here because sometimes a scar happens before we have developed a conscious memory and therefore we would not know how we got that scar unless our parents told us about it (like the one on the back of my head). There is also the occasional drunk and disorderly scar that occurs while our conscious memory is smash-hammered drunk and blacked out while our bodies are still roaming around making asses of ourselves. We cannot be held responsible for the explanation of either of these scars.

However, the cool part about scars (and why I like to have conversations about them) is that they are physical proof of incidents in our lives. I hate to quote Papa Roach here (I really do), but our scars remind us that the past is real; just by looking at them we can relive that experience and even describe many of the details.

Ok, I am sorry. I definitely didn’t mean to get all deep on this blog, and I promise it’s leading to a funny story, but it is kind of interesting, right? Right?

[insert the sound of crickets here]

Ok, ok, moving on.

I also have a scar on my right ear, and here’s how I got it.

I was at cheerleading practice with Mrs. Kelley discussing the hotness of our athletic trainer. We were contemplating ways to ditch practice and go visit him in his office and just stare at him for a while (or, um, whatever).

One of the other cheerleaders had gone in to see him before with a pulled groin or something equally close to her “downstairs” and was bragging about how he applied the topical pain reliever, like Icy Hot, on her to fix it. We were all super jealous, until all of a sudden she started screaming like a cheerleader would if caught on fire, because what she forgot to mention was that the athletic trainer uses super mega ultra Icy Hot because he works with giant football players with brutal footballish injuries, not little old ladies with back pain.

So we were contemplating other methods which would not require intense pain, but would still result in a visit to the hot trainer.

Practice commenced and we were forced to practice a semi-dangerous dismount from a stunt, which we referred to as the Twist Cradle, against the will of our entire stunt group.

So, to lay it out for you, in case you don’t know, there are three of us girls holding up another girl above our heads with our arms fully extended. From there, we toss her further into the air, after which she would normally arch her body and then land all prettily in our open arms (cradle). Instead, we were supposed to toss her into the air, after which she would twist herself around in the air and then land chaotically in our open arms (twist cradle).

Here’s what happens when you force people to do this stunt when they are not comfortable doing it: all hell breaks loose and someone is getting kicked in the face, or dropped, or both. Cheerleading is a dangerous world, my friends. It is! It's actually statistically the most dangerous sport, at least for women. Anyway, so I bet you already guessed what happened next. I got kicked in the face. Now, many girls would bitch and moan and whatever whatever, but my stunt group was tough and we just went on for more forced practicing.

Until I reached up to pull my flyaway hairs away from my face and my hand came back covered in blood. I reached back up and felt that my ear was attempting to go all Van Gogh on me and detach itself from my head.

Mrs. Kelley took an up close look at the damage and diagnosed it as follows:
“Eew, it looks like a bloody vagina!”

Do you have any funny scar stories?


  1. lol! I think you told me this story on a car ride over to BSquared's house. I agree with you though cheerleading is a crazy sport and very dangerous! By the way I love how the font is when people are talking in this blog. Is that new?

    LOL and I laughed at the part about you ear going all Van Gough on you. Nice! I also like that you censored your ear, very considerate, because I don't think I wanted to see a bloody vagina today. I see one every month. lol

    My scar stories...aren't really funny. I have one on my tounge from jumping off a play set becuase my little sister told me to and my knee slammed into my chin and I bit down on my tounge and now I have a scar.

    I also have one on my pinky from a few New Year's ago when Dean, his group of friends, and I were breaking into the old mine shelters in our hometown. They are all underground and require climbing up mountains and into holes. Anyway, as I was climbing out of one the rock I was holding on to came out of the mountain landed on my pinky then my foot rolled down and crashed into Billy's leg. Luckily, our friend Sage who is 6'3 was standing behind me, (I was as tall as him, after I had climbed halfway up the moutnain)and so when I fell he caught me by my waiste...and to tie this all into together, he should be a cheerleader he is super good at catching me when I fall. lol

  2. Haha! You quoted Papa Roach! I love it!

    Oh no wait... Now the song won't stop playing in my head!!! "I tear my heart open... (Dear brain, please stop!)

    Okay. I've got a few scars and most of them are really from something so dramatic, I don't know how to make a funny story out of. But I have a small one on my right knee which I got from trying to impress someone when I was 7 years old. I know, right? I was crushing on this small boy and I tried to run like the girls in shampoo commercials do and I slipped!

    After that, I never wanted to see that boy again. I was so embarrassed!!!

    P.S. I love that you censored your ear! So clever!!!

  3. I used to cheer hahah!!
    award for making me giggle!


  4. Haha This is great!! as are all of your other ones as well. Thank you for never failing to make me laugh or smile. By the way was it Derek? The hot trainer I mean...Because that's who it is now, and girls ( as well as a few guys) are still trying to come up with ways to visit him...

  5. you threw me with the intro on this entry... i thought were gonna hold hands, and sing songs, and light each other's hair on fire.

    your final pic totally made this post. :)

  6. ahh This is amazing! Never be ashamed to quote Papa Roach! Scar stories are amazing- I loved having my students share theirs. Also...about that alien spawn we need to talk? Am I an Aunt and you didn't tell me? Cause alien spawn totally count . Just saying...and now that I watch How I Met Your Mother, I totally count in the Aunt department. Just sayin... :D Can't wait to see ya in like 7 hours! RIVER!!

  7. thanks to everyone who shared stories!!
    Shannon: thanks for pointing out that you had heard this story - see, everyone? I really do have these conversations IRL :)
    Gnetch: dramatic scars are definitely not as funny as "trying to impress boys" scars.
    Ally: thank you, thank you!!!
    Kelli: yes, it was definitely him. that's so funny that he's still there and people are still swooning over him. From what I remember he was definitely some good eye candy.
    TILTE: I agree with you, I was all over the place on this one, but I'mma save lighting our hair on fire for a later post.
    Brittany: you are definitely an aunt. except for my poor alien spawn was sent off to a lab somewhere to make sure he wasn't planting cancerous bombs in my body :( I miss him so.

  8. Hi. This is my first "[Life of Meg] Mingle Monday". I love this post.

    I have several scars and haven't thought about "how" I got them in a long time. The funniest one is one on my left hand near my left thumb. My kid brother and I were "sword fighting" with small pool cues and one of us lifted our "swords" and it hit an overhead heat/air duct vent. The vent fell in a whoosh and hit me in the hand. I had several under the skins scars and several on top... WOW! That was a long time ago!!! (30+ years)

  9. Stopping by to say hello! Thanks so much for joining the party - excited to see that you've already visited 2 blogs! :)


    [Life of Meg]

  10. Saw you on Mingle Monday! :) Cute blog! Even better post! I love scars as well, roadmap to your life :)

  11. LOL. This post is REDONKULOUS. Like, redonkulously awesome. Loved every second of it. Especially the censored sign.

  12. stopping in from Mingle Monday...
    love your post and I dont think there is anything wrong with quoting papa roach :)

  13. Stopping by from Mingle Monday :)

    This is hilarious! I had a very similar Icy Hot incident with our trainer who was hot, hot, hot. Mine was my hamstring and luckily it wasn't the extra strength!

  14. Found you from the Mingle Monday! I love reliving my cheerleading days, so thanks for the great post! Excited to be following!


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