Better Than Speed

I was so excited for a night out with the girls for what I thought was going to be a few drinks and some gossip, but when we got out of class that night the girls started acting all funny. They asked me if I had to go to the bathroom, as if hinting that they needed some alone time. Strange, I know. Don’t most girls go to the bathrooms in packs? I shrugged my shoulders and stepped into the bathroom – after all, I had just downed the amazing and giant red slushie that B Mo got me and vodka goes right through me.

After B Squared recued me from the bathroom stall – I was locked in! – we walked off of campus and to her car. There were a few more awkwardly quiet moments and then the girls turned around giggling. Shay Shay was holding a scarf and BSquared started taking pictures.

They proceeded to blindfold me, not forgetting to pose with me in compromising positions and take pictures. Damn it, didn’t they see the doodle about how surprises affect me? Did they want me to go Golem on their asses? I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and zombie-walked to the car – all the while being yelled at not to touch anything. How the hell was I supposed to find my way around without touching anything? Oh, yeah, I'll just walk over until I think I'm near the car and dive in! No thanks, girls, I’d like to keep my face just the way it is, not requiring reconstructive plastic surgery.

B Squared was really concerned about me not figuring out where we were going for the surprise, so she decided to risk all of our lives-and the lives of those unfortunate enough to be around us - in an action packed adventure that would easily kick the bomb-on-the-bus scene in Speed’s ass in terms of suspense. At least that is how it felt to me, the blindfolded backseat passenger.

At one point, B Squared asked me if I was wearing a toe ring, and when I confusingly replied, “No”, she promptly decided to park the car and get out, saying “In that case, we’re going to need to make a stop.”

I sat in the backseat, still blindfolded, imagining what could possibly be going on. It had been at least five minutes or more and B Squared hadn’t yet returned to the car. I began to fear for her safety.

After what seemed like hours of driving wildly across the city, we arrived at our destination. Unlucky for me, this destination involved a ridiculous amount of stairs and before agreeing to guide me up those stairs the girls insisted that I sing. It was almost frightening. If I didn’t sing I would probably be left at the bottom of the stairs, sad and alone and unable to find my way up without touching anything. Yet, being put on the spot like that – especially since I had no idea where I was or how many people would hear me singing – made it impossible for me to think of a song to which I knew the words.

The girls threatened to leave me if I didn’t sing.

So commenced my murderous rendition of the opening scene of the Lion King.

“Ahhhhhhhhhh shavenyahhhhhhhh ba ba beeeeeeeecheeee baaa baaaa. Ven ya oh nay….” (and so on.)

When I reached the top of the stairs, the blindfold was removed and I stepped through a clusterfuck of pink streamers into my own apartment – which had been transformed into a bachelorette party, complete with a banner and a penis cake!!! The girls were there: B Mo, Shay Shay, B Squared, and Pookie! They had snuck into my apartment while I was in class earlier that day and decorated! I was so excited as I realized once again – I LOVE SURPRISES!!!

And then Breezy jumped in front of me from out of nowhere and sprayed me with sticky silly string and I repeated my favorite joke of our engagement, “The wedding is off”. Oh, we are so full of love.