Fashion Through the Ages: Part One

This is the doodle I was working on when Adobe decided to test my faith. It is part one of an undecided amount of parts about the fucked up things people wore throughout time. Laugh now, since you are unconnected to the times of which I am making fun, but let it be known that no one is safe from ridicule.

Leaves? Come on, you guys. I think you were better off naked. But I guess they had a good point in that leaves are disposable. Imagine never having to do laundry again. No piles of unwashed clothes in your bedroom, no waiting until you run out of clean underwear before being able to wear your favorite shirt again, and for a lot of us there would be no coin laundry. Instead, each time you have to wipe your ass you just use the outfit you have on and then toss it next to a bush and grab a new one.

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate the P word, but I thought it necessary in this doodle because there is no other way to describe someone who wore leaves at this time when they could have been wearing fur. If you really wanted to be a badass in the Stone Age, you had to have mad animal killing skills – and the only true way to show this off to your cavemates and neighbors would be to fashionably wear the skin that an animal once wore out of necessity. Oh, and if you wanted to be an efficient hunter, you would have to grow a unibrow to ensure that the sun stay out of your eyes while hunting.

These people can be blamed for those piles of unwashed laundry in your bedroom. If we had leaves we could throw them away, if we had animal skin we would probably only have a few that we rotated between because, to be honest, I can’t see myself killing too many bears. To give them some props though, this is probably the comfiest option we have come across so far. And it indirectly lead to the snuggie (is that good or bad? I don’t really know, I don’t have one; I just wrap myself with regular blankets like a sane person).

Oh, to have a knight in shining armor and to be able to show off my boobs like the ladies at the Renaissance Festival all the time… would be awful. Could you imagine trying to bone a knight in shining armor? How unromantic. It would be like trying to get it on with the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. And what if you took his helmet off only to reveal that he looks like Porkins, the fat bearded guy trying to fly an X-wing in Star Wars? And what if you were trying to do the equivalent of Usher’s “Love in This Club”: “Chivalry in Ye Alehouse”? It would be way too loud and squeaky and everyone would know what you two are doing.