Thursday, September 9, 2010

Too Much Nature

For those of you who have never been to the Great Lakes State (especially for you desert-dwellers who only know what grass is because you used to play outside on a small patch of it, which you called "The Green"), here is what Michigan looks like:

 Except, of course, during the 14 months of winter; then it looks more like this:

Anyway, what I’m getting at is the fact that the Michigan countryside is definitely lacking in the blacktop and concrete department. I’m seriously right now, you guys. And I know that’s not the right conjugation of the word “serious”… I was making a South Park reference. Sheesh. Here’s another: I’m super serial. There is so much nature out there… it’s, it’s not natural (said aloud in my creepy Blair Witch Project voice).

So, Breezy and I were out at his parents’ house, which is a cute log-cabin-style house in the middle of BFE, and we were preparing for a party (which was AMAZING! There was a pig roast, tons of yummy food, karaoke, and a million other things that are so cool that you wish you could have been there), and Breezy’s dad suggests that we “help out” by trimming the weeds along the driveway. This sounded all right at first (it was the least we could do, right?), but what you don’t know is that this place has a driveway that’s a quarter of a mile long and is surrounded by a dense forest, (which is probably filled with animals, demons, and savages – according to authors like Nathaniel Hawthorne), so you can’t even see the house from the road. To unsuspecting travelers, it is as if the place doesn’t even exist. You could scream at the top of your lungs out there and I doubt anyone would be able to hear you…

(Cue scary movie sound effects that make you want to piss your pants, but you can’t leave the theater to find the bathroom because you want to see if the hot guy comes in to save the day.)

So there we were, each of us armed with a pair of clippers, trimming away the weeds one giant thorn-covered branch at a time. It wasn’t so bad at first, but as the sun went down (as it tends to do every now and then), the bugs came out. And not just the “oh, dear, there’s a bug on you” kind of bugs. Swarms of “someone get me an effing flame thrower so I can torch these effing bugs!” kind of bugs. It wasn’t pretty. The more we clipped the sweatier we got and the bugs started to stick to us.

The muggy heat mixed with the West Nile that was seeping into our veins, causing delirium, and before we knew it we had made it halfway down the driveway. That sounds like an accomplishment, I know, but don’t be fooled! That means there was still the OTHER HALF! 

Fortunately, we were unable to finish and here’s why:

Close up of my sweat-covered face and torso, showing that I am the character with the largest boobs, so I will be the first to die in this horror movie.

Zoom-in on the thorn-covered, bug-infested, 6-feet tall weeds.

 A twig snaps in our general area.

Breezy and I look at one another, fear in our eyes.

There is a loud animalistic grunt, which causes both of us to look back at the weeds.

This is what I think is in there:

There is a lot of high-pitched-little-girl-like screams and the sound of our feet hitting the gravel as we both high-tail it back to the safety of the porch.

We look at one another again, shame in our eyes, for we know not which of us was doing the screaming. 


  1. lol I loved the last panel! That was soo funny! I loved the reference to my limited green childhood...sadly I am a desert dweller

  2. lol! I love your two first pictures. All green and then all white. So funny! I woulda freaked if I would have saw a bear! Omg. Then, knowing me, I would probably have tried to take a picture. Oh and thank you for helping 5 or so minutes go by a little more cheerfully in the hellhole I am currently sitting in. :)

  3. I always think the worst is happening when I hear a noise in the woods. Good thing you didn't bump into Man Bear Pig!!!

  4. Haha you are so funny. I'm not a huge nature fan myself. I can't even remember the last time I went camping. If there isn't a mint on the pillow--no thank you!! ;)

  5. holy shit! so what was it?!?! i'm going to lose sleep tonight over this!!!!

  6. i was literally waiting for a picture on the white photo....i waited like mins n den realised dat its suppoesed to be snowy...i know, d-oh!!!!!
    lol at ur experience, me never been newer near so much greenery so cant say much!!!!! :D

  7. hilarious.
    Hope you are recovering from all the bug bites!

  8. The photos of Michigan are genius!

  9. HAHAHAHA! My gosh, I wouldn't wanna know what it was! I'm not a big fan of nature and believe it or not, I have never been in the woods. As usual, your illustrations are awesome!! I love it!

    P.S. I have posted your picture!!

  10. Oh, holy shit! I never even thought about ManBearPig! We could have been in some real danger!

    When we looked back there was a momma deer and a baby deer emerging from the weeds about where we were, so I'm thinking it was the momma thinking we were trying to get her baby.

    Either way, my puny little clippers would have been no match for her hooves!

    thanks for the comments, you guys! :)

  11. your picture for arizona should be a big square of BEIGE hahaha

  12. I agree about manbearpig. It would have been a disaster. And I decided that I want to feature your blog for a bit due to awesome illustrations, do you have a blog button???? I'm working this all out in my head, I promise. I had inspiration today when someone was babbling on a work today...
    You can email me at fwdiver at gmail dot com if you have button code or I'll scramble one up for you.

  13. I love this! What an ADORABLE blog. Definitely going to keep reading.

  14. LOL Nice, really liked reading this. Guess that bloody mouthed bear will go hungry that night. For all you know, it was the bears from the Charmin commercials taking a crap and being super cheap with the toilet paper.

    You got a new follower today, you can thank Gnetch for that, came here from her blog.

  15. thanks, Kate and Mike for following! I'm so glad you also read Gnetch! she is hilarious :D
    Mei: ohhhh how fun!!! I will email you right away :D

  16. lol absolutely loved the last panel :) Am totally following this blog from now on!

  17. Lol! I am so with you!!!! I hate bugs and I couldn't deal with nature even if I was offered an million dollars!

    I'm so glad I found you through Nadine's blog :)
    I'm following you now


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