So, I know that I said I’d share some stories from my trip back home –I have some good ones! – but I’m feeling rather ranty lately, so I am going to complain about some things right now and share some funny stories a little later. Plus, I wrote this while I was home, so it kind of counts.
If you haven’t noticed yet, it’s the year 2010. Humans have made it through the first decade of the 21st century, which is supposedly the century in which the TV show The Jetsons took place. Now, I’m not complaining that we don’t have flying cars and robots named Rosie to clean up after us, but a little evolution would be nice. I have comprised a short list of things that I believe we should be past by now. Enjoy.
Condensation: Everyone has been there before, casually attempting to take an innocent drink, when from the bottom of the cup falls several water droplets, which demonically find their way to your crotch and stay there. It’s humiliating because it gives the impression that you have pissed yourself at worse and makes it look like you have what Breezy would call “The Dot” at best.
One would think that with a society so advanced that vice presidents are getting robotic organs that the common people would at least get a condensation-free cup of some sort.
A most necessary divergence from the main topic of this doodle:
For all of the females out there who don’t know what I’m talking about by “The Dot”, it seems that men’s bathroom rules and occurrences often times involve a small amount of urine on your person. You see, since there is no toilet paper next to any given urinal (a luxury which, apparently, us women take for granted), they are often stuck having to think of creative ways to dry their peckers. My Daddy used to sing a song that goes something like, “to prove you’re a man, you must wipe with your hand,” but I don’t think that option goes over too well with the ladies, and I think he may have been singing about wiping something else... Anyway, another choice would be to “shake it”, but I have been told by multiple sources that shaking it three times or more is basically giving yourself a handy, and most people don’t condone public masturbation. So, when two shakes just don’t cut it, men are sometimes left with straggling drops bleeding their way through unsuspecting trousers. This is most noticeable when wearing khakis, as pictured below.
Satellite TV: I don’t even have cable, let alone satellite TV, because I watch all of my TV online, but while I was home I had the displeasure of experiencing this lame form of entertainment. Not only are you given a shit-ton of channels with nothing of interest on to watch, when there actually is something besides infomercials, progressive commercials, or Married with Children reruns, the signal goes out. Though satellites know no boundaries when it comes to traumatizing their users and will go out during any kind of weather, the issues are most problematic on rainy, cloudy, disgusting days – the perfect days for watching TV.
Squeezy Bottle Fart Noises: In addition to being a leading cause of embarrassment and trauma for people on first dates and twelve year old girls, squeezy bottle fart noises are a major annoyance to literally everyone. This is especially true when I’m trying to tell Breezy about this awesome idea that I have for a doodle that’s about things we shouldn’t have to deal with in 2010 and he is more concerned with smothering his pork in Sweet Baby Ray’s, even though the bottle is empty, and the nearly deafening fart noises coming from the bottle are covering up all of the good parts of my idea.